Case Histories

Following are many direct quotes that

Rabbi Goldwasser has heard while counseling young people. A careful study and analysis of each statement will provide the reader with a better understanding of what eating disorders are all about.

"We need spiritual guidance, like they have for the secular world. A twelve-step program - twelve steps to finding G-d in their way. They're always coming up today with the answers: a spiritual leader, believe in doctors, prayer helps. We don't have any of that in our circles."

"Okay. A lot of times people say about anorexics, 'Oh, she's doing it for attention. You know, she wants attention, that's why she's doing it.' But if you look around, most anorexics wear baggy clothes and try to hide the fact that they're losing weight. And, if there were a way for them to die without losing weight, they would opt for that option. Yes, in a way they want attention 'cause they're begging for somebody to understand them. But generally, they feel that they don't deserve anything, and they don't deserve for anybody to understand them. Or they don't want to - it's like self-indulgence to ask for help. They would never ask for help - in a way they want attention, because they want somebody to understand them - but they wouldn't. It's like a - it's kind of mixed up."

"I hate it so much. Why am I not letting go of it? I can't. I really can't. You wake up every morning and you sometimes feel like you don't want to live. You can't live like this. It's such hard work. But I'm petrified to let go."

"They'll deny the fact that they have any kind of problem with it, but deep inside they're like - Can't you see I'm dying!?! Can you see??? Do I have to show you that I'm going to die! To prove to you what I want you to feel?"

"After they get to the point of feeling so low - after a couple of weeks really into it - then, yeah, they've denied their hunger for so long that ... we all know if you fast for three days it's going to get easier for you. Your body, your stomach shrinks. You get used to the idea that you don't need so much food, and it gets easier and easier. So then you start also believing that it's really physical - I really can't eat - because if you do start eating, you're going to get really nauseous and you're really going to feel horrible because physically, you got used to starving."

"Once you're already in the disorder, then you don't know what's going on, and you don't know who you are. You're starting to question why am I doing this? Who am I? What does this mean? Where do I belong?"

"That's why it's so important that we get the message across, especially to the people who are family members, on the need to understand. It's not a choice. You HAVE to understand. If you have a child, or you're related, or somebody that you work with has a problem, you're gonna have to do everything to understand what's emotionally involved"

"When they say certain things, certain comments which are commonly made all the time, they can kill them away. Number one - 'It's selfish.' it's selfish? Most anorexics are like the least selfish people you have ever met. They're always doing stuff..."

"My brother says to me, 'I don't understand. You're killing our entire family. What are you doing?' I drove him to the airport and he said to me, 'Rachel, I just want to know. I will really never understand that.' And I said to him, 'You know, you really don't have to understand. I want you to know that it's not because I'm selfish. I really want to get better. You think I like this life? Do you honestly think I enjoy waking up in the morning, doing what I do?' I said, 'I hate it. I really hate it.' So he said, 'Why don't you just stop?' and you know what? I believe that a lot of times family members are very emotionally involved."

"... people have spiritual conflicts. You don't get an eating disorder because you have spiritual conflicts; you get spiritual conflicts when you have an eating disorder because you just feel horrible ... I hated Shabbos. I hated Yom Tov. Shabbos, to be truthful, was the hardest. I was in the bathroom fifty times. With Yom Tov - forget it."

"It's three months from now, but I am dreading Sukkos. and then, you know, I feel oh my gosh, then it's Chanukah, and Purim. It's just like an everlasting thing. When someone says the summer's almost over I cry. Because I know it's Rosh Hashono, then Sukkos. I'm like - no - don't say that."

"You're trapped. You're very trapped. Where should I go for Shabbos? I don't want to be with this one, I don't want to be with that one. But I don't want to be alone, because it's morbid to be alone. But I don't want to be with her, because if she sees me doing what I'm doing..."

"There is the pressure. You feel, am I only worth something if I'm thin? There is this society thing, like, that to be thin you're in control, or to be thin means that you're accomplishing a lot more. And you start thinking to yourself, 'Wait a minute. What about the other qualities that I have? Am I not worth it?' So then you automatically start to prove to them, 'Oh you think I can't show you what I can do? Let me show you what I can do!'"

"I was so happy when I heard my mother say 'Sandy, you have to gain weight.' It was the only thing I wanted to hear my entire life. My entire life I was sick of hearing her say I have to lose weight. When she told me twenty pounds ago that I have to gain weight, I knew I had accomplished what I wanted to accomplish. No, really, because I never in my life thought I ever, ever, would. My whole life I struggle - 'What are you eating? What are you eating?' When she was finally able to put the piece of cake in front of me and I didn't have to push it away, then I was the happiest. And you know what, it sounds so sick. It sounds so stupid - like, come on, have a piece of cake!"

"Bulimia or not - I can't ever in my life say a word to my child about their weight. I can't even tell you how important it is. If your child's heavy - yes - you can give them healthy snacks. You can cut up carrots for snacks. That's fine. There's nothing wrong with that. But, let them live. Anyone who's under the age of 15 years old has to be able to live like a child. Has to have the fattiest super snacks, just like their peers, because they will feel deprived. I just wish I could speak to every parent in this entire world and tell them that I would never say anything about weight. It's not what a person is. It's not what a child is. It's just so crucial, and the parents don't realize. They think they'll always be depressed. It's not true. The parents are the ones who are putting the pressure on the child. The parents are the ones who are making the child become depressed. If the parents would show a child, 'Yes, I love you for what you are, no matter what you look like,' kids would not have half the problems they have. There would be happy fat children. They would be happy."

"You can say, 'Oh, it's so good that you want a rice cake ...it's so healthy.' You could encourage healthy foods. There's nothing wrong with encouraging it. But there's something wrong if a parent always says, 'Don't eat this,' or 'Don't buy that.' I see little kids, at snack-time, walking around with Weight Watcher's snacks and I cry. I cry because it's so horrible. Why should a nine-year-old have to be eating something with Nutrasweet in it? Her peer is eating a danish!"

"I always felt like I was always scared to eat something that wasn't "dietetic" in front of my mother. A mother's generally around, so I'd have to stay up after her and break my teeth on frozen cake, just because I wanted it so badly. I have freezer headaches!"

"They don't seem to comprehend how big the fear of gaining weight is. They don't realize how powerless I feel being made to gain weight. They are taking away one of my survival mechanisms. If I gained weight, to them I had achieved; to me I had failed."

"Right. My mother says to me, ' didn't buy this for you. I bought it for the kids.' I say, 'It  doesn't say baby food on it. It's not mashed!' And says, 'I bought it for the kids.' And I'm thinking, 'Who's the kids? I'm your child! Hello!'"